It's been a rough roller coaster ride for me lately. What used to be seven colors of happiness turned into seven colors of sadness. What used to be cloud 9 now turns into rain clouds. You never know when you'll fall, and I'll tell you, when you do with no preparations, you'll fall hard - as hard as a block of stone falling 10 storeys into a concrete pavement.
A lot of things - I mean a lot - attacked me from every aspect of my life. Love, Family, Health, Religion, Finance, Friendship, Human relations and other things. It might be boring to read from here on out but if you do continue on, I'm very grateful for your consideration, and know that I wish nothing but happiness and prosperity for you.
Before I begin telling my story, I'm just gonna put it out there that I have two individuals in this world that I hold so dearly to my heart. These individuals are an image of a big brother, best friend, closest confidante, and the people I entrust my life secrets to. Easier to say, it'll be very easy for them to extort millions from me if they wanted to. I want my readers to know that with them, I don't just love these people, I treasure them and hold them very dearly in my heart. There was a promise between us three and I intend to keep it.
If anyone knows me, they'll know that I am a very happy-go-lucky individual. I used to be able to wake up smiling until I go to bed at night. My days are filled with joy and happiness and the one and only goal for me is that I want to share this bundle of joy with everyone. January 2014, a long month that changed me into who I am now, a month that will always haunt me until I get what I need to move on from this story.
I had a rough few months at work. Our salary was late and I barely have some money in my bank account. (Honestly, my pay doesn't allow me to save monthly. I'm left with $30 and that's all I can save every month). But money doesn't make my world go round, so I will only conclude this, that money was sparse. And even though it's not my priority, I still need food and shelter. Hence money was very necessary at that time. And I had close to none.
My problem regarding my family had close connection with religion and spirituality. I had an ongoing anxiety for quite some time but since I have pretty much great company and great people around me, I disregarded those anxieties. That's all until I started having huge fights with my two important individuals that I've mentioned a few paragraphs back. When that happened I finally decided that I wanted it to stop. But boy I was so stupid that I consulted the wrong people to help me. In my condition, my body would shake uncontrollably, I'd get angry easily and I tend to fight anyone back. And these affected my relationship with my friends (especially the two friends). These people who were supposed to 'help' me get better sprouted nonsense and fitna to my family. Saying that me and my dad are bad people that we have bad omens around us etc. Being the naïve (let's just say stupid) person in this matter, I let them say all those to me. And they asked $500 from me if I want them to help me. And I easily believed them.
Now, I know you'd ask. What's this have to do with family? Guess what. My family lives a 2.5 hours flight from my residence. When I tried to explain the situation to one of my family member I was scolded. I was in a state of devastation, close to broke, nowhere else to go. Yes at that moment I have asked for god's mercy and help. But he works in a mysterious way and I still believe that His work is still in motion. Soon I found myself lost in my search for truth.
I was lost. I had nowhere to turn to. At one point when I called up one of my bestfriends, he fell sick for two days straight. The only thing I realized from that point on was that I am losing one of the people I hold dearest to my heart. I am not sure why things happen and I was left with no answer until this very moment when I'm typing this blog out. The only thing I can do to him was to say I'm sorry for the damage I have caused throughout this whole ordeal and I will do just about anything within my ability as long as I can turn back things to where we were some time ago when I was still the friend he treasure most dearly. I tried contacting his family but I failed. I tried reminding him of the great great times we had, but I failed.
I became poison to everyone around me. Everywhere I go negativity swirls around me. People disliked me, I get easily irritated and I have problems accepting new people in my life. I have no where else to turn to but god. And god answered me. Not about everything yet, but at least the most important part and that is about my well being. He sent me a friend who was always there when I needed someone the most. Not as a replacement for my other friend, instead as a passing angel who are willing to help me and asked for nothing in return. His whole family tended to my needs the whole time this happened (plus I have to juggle with my work). To this very moment I am still grateful for them for helping me get better. My other bestfriend on the other hand, came all the way from North Malaysia to be by my side. I almost went crazy with all the mental attack being done unto myself. I am grateful for everything. The only one physically absent was my other bestfriend. But in my heart I believe that he does pray for me. Thank you my friends.
I have a problem, I had help, I found a solution. I was more than ready to make amend with everything that happened. Ready to fix any torn parts from the fabrics of my reality. And I did. I went and fix everything. I said my sorry to my mom for almost disgracing my family's name. I fixed my relationship with my bestfriend's family. I found a new job. I made more new friends along the way. All the 8.5 yard. I did all I can to get back to where I was two months before my whole world collapse.
But one thing I just can't fix. The final piece of the whole story. The one that seems to be the ending and final chapter of this book. It was one of the person I trust. The other bestfriend who I loved more than I love myself. The only person who holds the other half of my smile (the other half by my other bestfriend, remember I have two). He is still absent from my daily life until this very moment when I'm writing this blog up.
He just disappeared with no trace of friendship whatsoever. I had no idea what had happen. I have no courage to assume anything. I have no room for comfort in all this episode. And I know what I want and that is the ending chapter of this story. In my opinion, I was the cause and he seemed to be the victim in all this. I refuse to blame him for keeping his distance from me. I pray to God that one day we'll meet again. Not to continue our past relationship, but to start afresh or to end it, depending on his judgement. I will let him go, knowing that I've done everything I can and said everything I needed to. And if he told me right to my face that I am no longer of any significance to his life. Because a promise is a promise. And I intend to keep it.
I just want all this to end. I post this up not because I want to beg for anyone's mercy, rather as a way for me to comfort my broken self in hoping that I can leave this story unfinished if that's what god had planned for me. But I never lose hope. I never stopped praying for an end. And I pray that one day, we'll meet again my dear friend.
God willing,
We'll meet again,
My dear friend.
Thanks for all the great time. Thinking about them made me smile. Thinking about them made me cry. Thinking about them turns me to go and pray to God for you, your family and your parents. Each and every time.
I wish everything that is good for you, including blessings and jannah for you, your mom and dad, your sister and your brother. Thank you very much for all the great great time we've spend just the three of us.
Please don't ever forget all of my advices. I had so much to talk to you about. If there'll ever be a chance - and I hope I will have one more. I will use it very carefully to say what I need to and hope that we can work together to get past this episode between us.
Thanks for reading.
God bless.
Ma'assalam.
